Alone

And I was alone. But then I was always alone so it shouldn't bother me... and yet, it does. I haunts me to the core of my existence. Because sometimes something happens that changes your life, no, your very identity, and leaves you with a story worth telling. That is, If you have someone to tell it to. This is my story.

   My earliest memories I have are ones of constant loneliness. No, that's a lie. I wasn't lonely because I can't remember ever knowing anyone to long for. I never had a companion of any kind so I can't truly say I was lonely. I was just so very... alone. I grew up in a wonderful metal world of steel rainbows and broken glass. A carnival of rusted dreams. I would climb the ladders and sit silently on the edge of the archaic tracks and let my eyes wonder the empty horizon. Everyday, when just the edges of the sky glowed a soft pink, I would sit, a shell of a person, in my empty, mechanical kingdom and feel that ache in my heart.

   Days came and days passed, every one a slight variation of the last. It was only when once again the days grew cold and I grew up that things changed. I watched myself grow in the room of mirrors. Though many were shattered and all were distorted versions of my face, I could see myself change. Too often I found myself silently staring into the empty eyes of the contorted reflections. It was almost like knowing someone. And so its fitting that it was in this hall of illusions that my story began.

   There aren't words to describe the moment I first saw him. Yes there are; the word is petrifying. A scream wouldn't form in my throat so I simply sat and stared wide-eyed from across the room and held my breath. In contrast to my world falling apart, he seemed to take no notice of me. I guess that made a bit of sense if anything could in that moment. Though the fact that he was there, that he existed, was devastating my psyche. He lit a cigarette and took a long puff and blew smoke in my direction. He coughed to break the silence. I wasn't expecting it and it frightened me. I scrambled backwards, never taking my eyes off of him. But it wasn't completely out of fear; it was also out of innocent curiosity. I studied the aging lines on his face, the brokenness in his eyes. I got the feeling he'd been around for far more than I had and no doubt know more about the world the I ever would.The feeling of terror passed as quickly as it came, but the feeling of my world crashing down remained.

   In a hopeless attempt to comfort me, or at least I like to believe it was to comfort me, he took a small step towards me and started to whisper to me in scratchy, long-unused voice. I'd never heard words before and I didn't quite know what to make of them. After a while of trying to coax me out of the corner he let out a sigh, giving up. I understood that. I had seen a lot of sighs in my short memory. He collapsed  in  the corner opposite of mine and let the knapsack fall from his shoulders.And we sat there for a long time, me studying him still in shock of there being someone, anyone here with me now and him smoking the last cigarette in his little box. He searched through his bag for another package but stumbled upon something else instead. A poor substitute in his eyes I imagine, and yet it sparked an idea still. His face lit up and he took out a rectangle wrapped in shiny foil. Unwrapping a bit of it  and breaking off a piece, he put it on the floor and pushed it closer to me.  Unsure of what to do, I quickly decided to eat some of it. I really had no reason not to. Not that I could think of at the time anyways. I slowly but it in my mouth and was very pleasantly surprised. It was sweet and undoubtedly the best thing I'd ever tasted. I let it melt in my mouth but quickly picked up the whole bar and started to eat it as fast as I could, forgetting he was there entirely. He laughed and  rubbed his forehead. Embarassed, for the first time in my entire life, I felt my cheeks burn. I turned away from him, pretending to have a sudden interest in my twisted reflection.  

After the feeling was forgotten, I got to my feet and shyly beckoned for him to follow.  He followed me and I was suddenly filled with excitement, something I had seen little of in my life. At first I would timidly point out this and that but soon the urge to show him everything overwhelmed me. I grabbed his hand and pulled him along towards river I had played in and drank from my entire life. The freezing water made whooshing sounds as we passed it. I turned to him with a big smile on my face. He made a strange face, I'm not sure what he meant by it. Having never watched people make faces, I didn't understand the one he was wearing.  It was a kind of smile though, I think, and that was encouragement enough for me. I took his hand, which was much, much bigger than mine, and let him passed the rusted remnants of this not-so-empty world. Everything I showed him he had a word for. I point at the rusted, metal rainbow, "Roller coaster!" I look at the oddly-shaped metal things I'd always played on, "Carousel." I helped him up the ladder and we sat watching the sunset paint the sky a million shades of orange, purple, and pink. It was amazing sharing that with another someone like me. I opened the box in my lap. I showed him my special box, finally having someone to share my treasures with. And still, there was a name for everything. "Music box." "Ring." "Picture." I wound up the 'music box' and let it play its busted melody, It was beautiful to me. I made sounds to mimic it. "Song." I nod letting the song play its final notes.I point to myself, "Beautiful." So that's the word for what I am.

This time it was my turn to follow. I followed him through the mazes of 'booths' and past the 'street lamps' and beyond the 'rides'. I didn't realize until we were at the big sign that marked the end of my rusty wonderland that he was leaving. He smiled sadly and ruffled my hair  and let go of my hand. "Goodbye." What? I grabbed his hand again, refusing to let go. "Goodbye." I didn't understand. Why was he leaving? I felt heavy tears leave hot lines in the dirt on my face.

"Goodbye." And he was gone.

Days came and days passed but I never watched another sunset without thinking about who might be watching it with me. We're all under the same sky. I sat on the edge of my rusted, metal rainbow and watch the sky fade to dark blue.  The world was empty again and I was alone.